The Daily Mash To tell you what I want for Christmas would be a defeat, says girlfriend 2018-12-15T08:11:33.000000000+00:00 A WOMAN has admitted that simply telling her boyfriend what she might like for Christmas would be an unconscionable failure. If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best, declares sociopath 2018-12-14T12:13:53.000000000+00:00 A SOCIOPATH has confirmed that if you cannot handle her at her worst then you do not deserve her at her best, for some reason. Folk music much worse than previously thought 2018-12-14T11:17:07.000000000+00:00 A MAN who decided to make the leap from pretend olde worlde music like Mumford & Sons to actual folk songs desperately wishes he had not. Question Time host realises that in 25 years he’s achieved bugger all 2018-12-14T10:35:40.000000000+00:00 DAVID Dimbleby has looked back at his 25 years in the Question Time chair and realised it was a complete waste of time. The best places to make an obnoxious hands-free call 2018-12-14T09:55:45.000000000+00:00 DO you love shouting inanely into thin air while doing your supermarket shop? Here are some other great places to 'multitask' in annoyingly. People with real fires told to stop dicking around and turn the f**king heating on 2018-12-14T09:21:24.000000000+00:00 PEOPLE who spend hours making a fire have been reminded they could just put the bloody heating on. How to deal with arsehole relatives this Christmas 2018-12-14T08:45:20.000000000+00:00 IF you’re cursed with visiting relatives this Christmas it will inevitably harm your festive fun. Here’s how to minimise the grief at this most joyous time of year. Full-time drinker’s heart sinks at prospect of part-time drinkers 2018-12-13T12:09:21.000000000+00:00 A HARDENED drinker’s slightly diseased heart has sunk at the prospect of his boozing sessions being interrupted by loud, tipsy Christmas parties. ‘What if I’m actually a dickhead?’ Boris Johnson wonders aloud 2018-12-13T11:24:17.000000000+00:00 FOR the first time Boris Johnson has realised he might not be a great statesman and future prime minister but just a dickhead. Man whose girlfriend gave up cheese ‘needs to think about his options’ 2018-12-13T10:48:28.000000000+00:00 A MAN whose girlfriend has announced she will no longer be eating cheese is having a long hard think about their relationship.