The Onion FBI Panicking After Learning Encrypted National Security Communications May Have Been Intercepted By Trump Administration 2017-02-21T16:44:00.000000Z WASHINGTON—Fearing the information had already fallen into the wrong hands, the FBI was panicking Tuesday after learning encrypted national security communications may have been intercepted by the Trump administration. “We are incredibly troubled to have learned that transmissions vital to homeland ... Man Struggling To Pierce Orange Peel With Fingernail Under Impression He Could Kill If He Had To 2017-02-21T13:00:00.000000Z CULLMAN, AL—Growing increasingly frustrated as he tried out different entry points on the fruit, local man Alex Overton struggled to pierce an orange peel with his fingernail Monday, all the while firmly under the impression that he could kill someone if he had to. “God, why won’t this dang thing co... Warm, Syrupy Pleasure Coursing Through Man’s Veins After Big Hit Of Mattress 2017-02-20T14:27:00.000000Z OGDENSBURG, NJ—Taking hold of his body almost immediately, warm, syrupy pleasure was coursing through the veins of area man Matt Riley after the 30-year-old took a huge hit of mattress, sources said Monday. “Oh, God, that’s it, yeahhhh,” said a slumping Riley, whose eyes rolled back in his head as h... Expiration Labels Get An Update 2017-02-20T14:26:00.000000Z The Grocery Manufacturers Association proposed changes to the often confusing expiration labels on food, suggesting a more universal system of “use by” for food that spoils, and “best if used by” for food that’s simply fresher if consumed immediately. What do you think? Last Remaining Ivory-Billed Woodpecker Really Squandering Species’ Final Weeks 2017-02-20T14:24:00.000000Z HOT SPRINGS, AR—Noting that what little time remained was quickly slipping away, sources confirmed Monday that the last remaining ivory-billed woodpecker was completely squandering the species’ final weeks of existence. “He’s got maybe a month left on the planet, and that dumbass is totally blowing ... The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 20, 2017 2017-02-20T14:00:00.000000Z A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life 2017-02-20T13:00:00.000000Z Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life: The American Presidency 2017-02-20T00:03:00.000000Z Notable Hidden Bank Fees 2017-02-17T22:51:00.000000Z American Girl Introduces Male Doll 2017-02-17T22:19:00.000000Z For the first time in their 31-year history, American Girl is releasing a male “American Boy” doll named Logan Everett, a drummer from Nashville. What do you think?